Why you need to love yourself first

I've been spending some time thinking about love recently. How do I show my love for others? Do I express it enough? How do I show myself love? Do I treat other people better than I treat myself?

One thing I've definitely learned during my 50+ years on this planet is that nobody else can make me feel complete. It has to come from within.

So whether you are in a romantic relationship or not, you need to love yourself first. If you don't love yourself, you'll feel incomplete and unloved even when you are in a relationship. Finding that "perfect" partner won't fix your lack of self-love.

We have to treat ourselves like the amazing human beings that we are!

"Unless we treat ourselves with love and compassion, we cannot reflect the same on others." -- Buddha

I invite you to spend a few minutes each day showing yourself some love with a loving-kindness meditation. It's a great practice of showing love to ourselves and to others.

As you probably know, practicing meditation regularly has the benefits of reducing negative emotions, building skills to manage stress, and increasing self-awareness. Loving-kindness meditation additionally provides us with happiness, love, and tenderness.

Because we cannot pour from an empty cup, loving-kindness meditation usually starts with showing loving kindness towards ourselves. Once we start experiencing self-love and self-compassion, we can then show the same to others.

How to Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation

You might be familiar with meditations where we focus on our breath. In loving-kindness meditation, we instead focus on repeating phrases of kindness.

Sit comfortably in a chair with your feet flat on the floor or sit cross-legged on the floor. Keep a relaxed but straight spine. I invite you to close your eyes and keep them closed throughout the whole meditation; then bring your awareness inward. Relax your whole body.

Take a deep breath in. And breathe out.

Begin by developing kindness towards yourself, allowing your heart to open with tenderness. It might help to picture yourself when you were a young child, maybe 5-6 years old. Show your younger self some affection. And then notice any sensations in your body; maybe you feel some warmth; maybe a smile. Rest with this feeling of unconditional love for a bit.

Repeat the following words to yourself in silence:

May I be safe
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I live with ease
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Pause for a bit to consider what the words truly mean to you and how they make you feel. Repeat the phrases multiple times.

If you're new to this meditation practice, this might be enough.

Once you feel comfortable with expressing love towards yourself, you can start extending love and kindness towards others: first towards people you love and care about; then to people with whom you have difficult relationships; and then finally to the cosmos.

You would repeat the following words in silence:

May you be safe
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you live with ease

Eventually, you could extend these wishes to all beings by repeating the following words:

May all beings be safe
May all beings be happy
May all beings be healthy
May all beings live with ease

Flutter your eyes open and carry this feeling of love into your day.

If you want to listen to a guided loving-kindness meditation, check out this 13-minute version by UNH's Health & Wellness Center. It's quite lovely.

Want to learn more about loving-kindness meditation? Here are two books you might enjoy:

• "Loving-Kindness in Plain English: The Practice of Metta" by Bhante Gunaratana (2017)
• "Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness" by Sharon Salzberg (2002)

A regular practice of loving-kindness meditation can have a long-lasting impact on our minds and our bodies. It can turn us permanently into more positive and loving people.

Wishing you lots of love every day of the year!

Best,
Christine

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