Self-compassion is the secret to resilience and strength

Do you think that being hard on yourself and being self-critical is a good thing and required for your success?

Think again! Scientific data shows that self-criticism makes us weaker in the face of failure, more emotional, and less likely to learn from our failures. Studies are finding that there is a far better alternative to self-criticism: self-compassion.

Maybe the term “self-compassion” sounds like self-indulgence or weakness to you. Instead, it's actually the secret to resilience and strength in the face of failure. It gives us the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm.

Self-compassion involves treating yourself as you would a friend, being more mindful, and putting your situation in context. When we can be more understanding and gentler with ourselves, identify less with the emotions that surround our mistakes, and understand that failure is a normal part of life, we become stronger and more successful in the long run. We become stronger and more resilient. That's pretty cool, isn't it!

Compassion is one of the eight pillars of joy that Nobel Prize winners the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu discuss in their New York Times bestseller "The Book of JOY". The book is a few years old, but its message is timeless. I re-read it this week. If you're interested in their eight pillars of joy, this article provides a quick summary [click here].

Their discussion of self-compassion resonates with me. I want to share two paragraphs from the book with you, with the hope that they will resonate with you, too:

Modern culture makes it hard for us to have compassion for ourselves. We spend so much time of our lives climbing a pyramid of achievement where we are constantly being evaluated and judged and often found to not be making the grade. We internalize these other voices of parents, teachers, and society at large. As a result, sometimes people are not very compassionate with themselves. People don't rest when they are tired and neglect their basic needs for sleep, food, and exercise as they drive themselves harder and harder. As the Dalai Lama said, they treat themselves as if they are part of the machine. People tend to feel anxious and depressed because they expect themselves to have more, be more, achieve more. Even when people are successful and grab all these brass rings, they often feel like failures and frauds, just waiting to fall off the merry-go-round.

Psychologist Kristin Neff has identified ways to express self-compassion: When we treat ourselves with compassion, we accept that there are parts of our personality that we may not be satisfied with, we do not berate ourselves as we try to address them. When we go through a difficult time, we are caring and kind to ourselves, as we would be to a friend or relative. When we feel inadequate in some way, we remind ourselves that all people have these feelings or limitations. When things are hard, we recognize that all people go through similar challenges. And finally, when we are feeling down, we try to understand this feeling with curiosity and acceptance rather than rejection or self-judgment.

I invite you to think about the ways you use self-criticism as a way to motivate yourself. Then try to come up with a kinder, gentler, and more caring way of motivating yourself. By being gentler and more forgiving with yourself, you will be stronger and more resilient when, next time, something doesn't go your way.

Best,

Christine

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